5 Old-School Etiquette Rules That Will Set You Apart
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There was a time when a gentleman was expected to do certain things in polite society. For example, he stood up when he was shaking another man’s hand and knew how to write a proper thank-you note to show his gratitude. These weren’t extraordinary things to do, they were just good manners that most men practiced.
Sadly, a lot these customs have all but disappeared in modern society. I’d argue this isn’t just a problem among young men who were never taught any manners. Spend enough time in restaurants, offices, airports, social gatherings, or even around the dinner table, and you’ll quickly discover that there are plenty of grown men that no longer practice them either. Overall, it seems we’ve become far too casual, and I believe it’s to our collective detriment.
Good manners are not and have never really been about memorizing arbitrary rules of etiquette or putting on an air of superiority. At their best, manners are outward expressions of respect and consideration for other people. When we proactively practice these standards in our public and private lives, we stand out in a positive way and we improve the atmosphere for everyone around us.
Here are five old-school etiquette rules that every man should know, and that will immediately set you apart in a culture that has largely forgotten them.
1. Stand Up to Shake Hands
This is one that really sets gentlemen apart and it’s so easy to do. If you’re seated when another man approaches you and extends his hand, you should stand up. While this is a really simple thing to do, I’ve personally noticed a lot more men staying seated while greeting someone. This makes a man look lazy or like he doesn’t respect the other man.
Unless age or your health prevents you from doing so, get on your feet. Even if the other person tells you to stay seated, you should stand up. Standing acknowledges the other man’s presence and shows that the introduction or greeting is getting your full attention. For just a few seconds, you’re stopping whatever you were doing and you’re recognizing the person standing in front of you.
After you’ve stood up, look the other man in the eye and confidently offer your hand. Give a firm but reasonable handshake and not a limp hand. Pay attention when the other man gives you his name as well. If you didn’t hear it, ask again. If you did hear it, use it in a sentence, like “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Robert.”
Those few seconds can create a huge impression. You don’t need to have huge amounts of charisma. Just shaking someone’s hand properly and remembering his name will already distinguish you from most people. The principle here is simple. When you greet someone, give him your full attention.
2. Walk on the Outside of the Sidewalk
This is one of those old school actions that some people might think is antiquated. Traditionally, when a man escorted a lady down the street, he walked on the side closest to the road. There are lots of practical reasons for this but the overall principle is straightforward. A gentleman places himself between the lady and whatever hazards might come from the street side. Today, that could be traffic, splashing water, bicycles, or any other things.
If you’re walking with your wife, girlfriend, mother, or daughter, take the outside position on the sidewalk. You don’t need to make a bid deal of doing this; it should come across very naturally. Just move to the outside when circumstances allow and keep walking. There may be times you move to the other side to assist her and put yourself between the lady and a potential danger. This means you must always be aware of your surroundings.
In addition to showing a woman respect, I think this rule is really about awareness and understanding one’s surroundings. As we used to say in the Army, “keep your head on a swivel.” A man should develop an awareness of the people and things around him. That being said, the sidewalk rule is just one manifestation of a much larger principle; courtesy begins with paying attention.
3. Write Handwritten Thank-You Notes
These days we can communicate with almost anyone in the world in seconds. For that reason, many people don’t bother with a handwritten letter or note anymore. I’d argue the widespread use of technology has made handwritten notes much more valuable than they used to be. People don’t get them anymore and when you take a few minutes to write one, it shows that you care.
Sure, you can send a text or an email to show your appreciation. Both take very little time depending on the circumstances. However, when someone has done something meaningful for you, it’s important to put pen to paper. The power of the handwritten note comes from the effort. Someone had to sit down, find a card, think about what to write, address the envelope, put a stamp on it, and send it. People notice this and they remember.
Although I believe every gentleman should own personal stationery, it’s not critical when sending a handwritten note. You just need to express your appreciation on paper, and it doesn’t have to be long either. Three or four sincere sentences is usually enough. Thank the person specifically, mention what he did or gave you, say something genuine about why you appreciated it, and sign your name.
4. Learn How to Offer a Toast
At some point in your life, you’ll probably find yourself in a room where someone should say something. Maybe a friend gets married or your parents celebrate an anniversary. It could be something as simple as friends gathering around your table for a special dinner. In these instances, too many men look around hoping someone else will speak. Don’t be that man and learn how to offer a toast.
You don’t need to be a great public speaker. In fact, the best toasts are usually pretty short. When appropriate, stand up and get the attention of the table or room. Make sure everyone who wants one has a glass. Then say something meaningful about the person or occasion, and ask everyone to join you in a toast.
The key is remembering that the toast isn’t about you. Don’t turn it into a ten-minute speech and ramble on. Just say something sincere. You might share one short story that shows the person’s character. You might acknowledge an accomplishment or say what someone’s example has meant to you. Then bring it home by saying something like, “To Michael, may the next 20 years bring you as much happiness as the first.” Raise your glass, everyone follows, and you’re done.
The entire thing might last only a minute, but knowing how to stand and say a few gracious words at the right moment is a very rare social skill. It communicates confidence without requiring you to become the center of attention. It also shows that you’re the man willing to step forward when the it counts.
5. Learn How to Have a Conversation
Of all the rules on this list, I think that this might be the most important one. Learn how to properly have a conversation with other people. This sounds easy in practice, but not many people are truly gifted in conversing with others. Think about it. People keep their phones out on dinner tables instead of truly focusing on the people around them. They glance at screens while someone is speaking to them. Conversations become competitions in where everyone waits impatiently for an opportunity to tell his own story.
A gentleman has to be better than that. When you’re talking to someone, give him your full attention. Put the telephone away and listen to what he is actually saying instead of using the time to formulate your next response. Instead of talking about yourself or one-upping the other person, ask them questions.
If someone tells you he recently returned from Italy, don’t immediately respond by telling him about your trip to Italy. Ask where he went and what he enjoyed most on his trip. If he tells you his son just started college, ask where his son is attending school and what he’s studying. If someone mentions a new job, ask how he likes it.
This doesn’t mean interrogating someone with an endless series of questions. Good conversation is an exchange, so you should find time to share your own experiences and tell stories. However, you must be careful not to monopolize the conversation and make it all about you.
Additionally, when someone is telling a story you’ve already heard, resist the temptation to interrupt with, “You’ve told me this before.” Let the man finish his story without interrupting or embarrassing him. When someone has an opinion different from yours, you don’t have to turn every disagreement into a debate. Ask why he thinks that way. You might end up learning something.
Great conversation isn’t an opportunity to prove that you’re the smartest, funniest, wealthiest, or most interesting man in the room. It’s actually an act of hospitality where others feel comfortable in your presence.
Manners Are About Other People
There is a temptation to believe etiquette is a collection of arbitrary rules inherited from another era. While some might think stand here, hold this fork, write this note, or say these words, I think this misses the point.
Good manners are ultimately about making other people feel respected and valued. You stand because someone’s arrival deserves acknowledgment. You walk on the outside of the sidewalk because you’re thinking about the lady beside you. You write the note because someone made an effort on your behalf. You offer the toast because an occasion or person deserves recognition. You listen during a conversation because the person speaking deserves your attention.
None of these things costs money or take talent. They just require you to pay attention. Maybe that’s why these old rules matter more today than they did a generation ago. In a culture increasingly built around convenience, distraction, informality, and ourselves, deliberate courtesy has become unusual.
So this week, try one of the courtesies I’ve mentioned in this article. These aren’t grand gestures. They’re small acts of consideration that when repeated often enough eventually become habits, and habits eventually become character.
Don’t practice them because you’re trying to look like a gentleman. Practice them because you are one.
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