Apocalypse Prepping: From Temu to Gucci

A few years back, I quit prepping -- I quit doing it, I quit writing about it, I quit doing press about it, I quit being part of the scene, and I generally just hit eject on anything and everything "prepper." The reasons for my transformation from a professional doomer into a professional optimist are complicated, but they boil down to the following:

• Prepping is fine in moderation, but I'm somehow constitutionally unable to do anything in moderation. I'm either all-in or all-out.

• The apocalypse is always a losing bet, and I don't like losing. We are all structurally long "civilization", so a very modest amount of prepping is fine as a hedge, but it's bad news when it becomes a real bet (see the previous bullet).

• Prepping (at least for men) is a phase-of-life thing you do when your kids are small. I've seen the pattern time and again: new dad == new prepper, then when the kids start to leave the nest you're like "what was the point and why did I waste all that time and money?" and you get out of it. I basically followed this standard pattern.

• What everyone calls "prepping" is really just shopping, and I lost all interest in shopping for stuff I'm likely to never use. I'd rather waste $100 on something I'm going to use once or twice a year than $10 on something that will never see the outside of a bug-out bag.

So my main prepping advice to you is that while you should, of course, be prepared to go for one to three weeks without access to basic services, you should not, under any circumstances, get into seriously prepping as a lifestyle or a hobby. I found prepping to be an enormous waste of my time, money, and focus, and for that reason I personally regret pretty much all of my involvement in it past getting together the basics in this guide. If the historical pattern holds, I’m sure I’ll find some reason to regret even writing this article.

All of that said, the evidence of my TL suggests that everyone is at serious risk of getting into prepping right now. The doomsday vibes are at an all-time high, and everyone is losing their minds.

So I'm worried about all of you. I'm not worried that you're going to get caught unprepared by doomsday; rather, I'm worried you're going to turn into preppers. To prevent that from happening, I've put together this basic preparedness guide to help you get the basics together (and even go a little overboard) without wrecking yourself.

How to use this guide

Each of the recommendations in this guide has two levels:

• Temu: This is the budget option, and the one you should definitely get. Anything I recommend here is something I've personally used and would rely on in the apocalypse. Great gear is so insanely cheap now that the budget recs are really solid.

• Gucci: This is what you'd get in addition to the Temu rec if you have more money than sense. Always get the Temu rec first, because at the very least it's a good backup. Then you can splurge on the Gucci thing.

I'm mainly going to stick to recommending stuff I have first-hand experience with. The internet is full of prepping recommendations that are based solely on Reddit vibes or reviews, so nobody needs another such guide. If I recommend something I don't have first-hand experience with, I'll call that out -- otherwise, assume I've used it.

I've put stuff here in order of importance, so work your way down the list from top to bottom. And when you get to the bottom, do yourself a favor and stop there. You're finished. Resist the urge to keep going down the rabbit hole.

The basics

First and foremost, you need water and food, so let's get those out of the way up-front.

Water

Temu: For only a few dollars at your local hardware store, you can pick up a sillcock key. This standard prepper recommendation will get you access to public sources of water, like spigots and hose bibs, that have had their handles removed to prevent randos from using and abusing them.

But don’t stop at the sillcock key, of course. I recommend picking up one or more of the HydroBlu straw water filters. I keep these things in bug-out bags or in the car, and when I travel I usually have one in my backpack just in case.

Gucci: If you really want to go nuts, the Katadyn Pocket water filter is what I have in my main bug-out bag. This crazy thing is total overkill -- you’ll be fine with a 10X cheaper HydroBlu setup -- but if you really want to leave behind a nice chunk of Swiss-made hardware as part of your corpse’s loot drop when you get murked by some rampaging CrossFitter who was forced off of SSRIs cold-turkey, then this is the pick.

(Yeah, of course I have this stupid thing in my main bug-out bag. I told you, I once had a problem.)

Food

This is the one section where I don’t have the picks divided into budget vs fancy, because the budget stuff is the best stuff.

First, you should read this great survival food guide by my friend Josh Centers. I commissioned this and edited it for the site, and it’s still the best one out there.

In this section, I’ve put my own personal prepper pantry recs, divided into two lists: stuff you would buy and store only for prepping reasons, and stuff you may eat anyway so just get extra when you go to the store.

Prepping-only list:

• Canned Wolf Brand chili -- Some years ago, I geeked out in search of the absolute best value per calorie for shelf-stable protein + fat, and this ended up at the top of the list, so I bought a bunch of it. I realize that some people may not like chili, but if that’s you then there’s something seriously wrong with you and it’s probably better if you get culled from the herd.

• Low-sodium SPAM -- As with the chili, this is a really cheap way to store a ton of protein and fat for a very long time. And, again, you can eat it right out of the can with no prep. (Unlike with chili, I do sympathize with not liking SPAM.)

• Datrex bars -- These are a standard prepper recommendation, and I find them to be quite edible and portable. Unlike canned foods, this is the kind of thing you can toss in a bug-out bag and take on the road.

Regular pantry list:

• Nut and seed butters -- Things like peanut, almond, and sunflower seed butter are great sources of fat and protein that last a long time on the shelf. One of the very best prepper foods in terms of nutritional profile, shelf life, and “I will still eat it even if doomsday never comes”.

• Pasta and olive oil -- Again, shelf stable, fat and some protein, plus carbs, and you can just cook with it in everyday life.

• Figs and/or raisins -- These are a great source of both fiber and quick energy. Of the two, figs are better because they have more fiber and lower glycemic load -- and if you’re surviving on canned chili and SPAM, you’re gonna need the extra fiber. But if you’re a raisin person, just get extra raisins.

• Cheese and eggs -- Early in covid I posted a thread about buying a giant cheese wheel for doomsday reasons, and I still love cheese as a survival source of fat and protein. Eggs are also fantastic, and can be stored at room temperature for a long time.

You’ll probably notice a theme in the above: fat and protein. You are not going to successfully hunt and kill animals for food in a grid-down; trust me, the math doesn’t add up. So you’re going to need a source of fat and protein if you’re going to make it even three weeks without basic services. Fat in particular is hard to get in a form that’s both readily edible with minimal preparation and can be stored for months or years at room temperature without going rancid. Hence the emphasis on fat and protein in my list.

Fire

If you have to go more than a few days without access to civilization, you’re going to need to make a fire -- especially if it’s cold out. Preppers love fire-making gadgets -- bow drills, ferro rods, special sparking things from REI, all that crap. Do not blow your money on any of that; just go to a gas station and get the Temu option, below.

Temu: BIC Maxi lighters are a wonder of modern technology, and if anyone recommends any other firestarting method as being better than this, they are a fool and you should ignore them. The BIC is designed to be used, abused, and neglected for years, and to still hold its fuel and light every time. Just ask any smoker what they put these things through. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Prometheus has brought a load of these back up to Zeus.

Gucci: The Maratec Peanut lighter is exactly like a Zippo -- it takes the same parts and fuel -- but it’s drastically upgraded. The Zippo is a terrible survival lighter because it leaks, whereas the Peanut has an o-ring that lets it keep its fuel indefinitely. If you really want to go for the bling, you can get these in Titanium or Damascus steel.

Multi-tool

This is one of those stupid prepper rabbit holes that can suck your life away from you, so do not start googling “best multi-tool for SHTF” unless you want to waste your life on something that, in the end, will not matter.

Many multi-tools are really good, now. Modern machining is amazing. Even some of the Chinese off-brands get rave reviews on Reddit. But my recommendation is to stick to one of Leatherman, SOG, or Gerber, and call it a day. Better to pay a premium for one of these well-established, battle-tested brands than to spend days scouring the internet for the optimal in performance or value.

Anyway, a good multi-tool is so useful that I’ve put it high on the list right after water, food, and fire. If you’re going to drop $100+ on any one thing in this list, then this is the item to go big with.

Temu: I actually do not own the Leatherman Rebar, but I recommend it because if I were starting over again on my embarrassingly large collection of most of the other Leatherman tools, I’d start with the Rebar. It has everything you need, and it’s one of the more budget-friendly options in the Leatherman lineup.

Gucci: The Leatherman Arc is controversial in knife knut circles because of its high price and… well, general haterism that exists about anything that’s the top dog. But I have one of these, and I love it, but if I lost it I’d probably just buy a Rebar because the Arc is truly extravagant.

Light

You need a headlamp. Sure, you can get by with a camping lantern or a flashlight, but if you’re really in a bind in the dark and you need to see, you’re going to wish you had a headlamp. A headlamp lets you keep both hands free while focusing the light directly on the task in front of you. As with the multi-tool, don’t nerd out on this or overthink it.

Temu: The real Temu pick is any random headlamp from Home Depot or Lowe’s that’s cheap and rechargeable. But since this guide is focused on stuff that I have actually tested, I have to put the slightly-too-expensive BioLite Range 300 in the Temu spot. This is a really comfortable headlamp that you’ll forget you’re wearing and that stands up to tons of abuse and neglect. I have multiple of these and we use them regularly.

Gucci: I wish I could recommend an AA-powered headlamp, but nobody makes these anymore. It’s all fancy lithium rechargeable stuff now. I have this Olight headlamp, and am a fan of Olight in general. Note that a true Gucci pick would be something like this SureFire, but SureFire is overrated for everything except maybe weapon-mounted lights (and probably overrated for that, too). I say this as a guy who has only SureFire lights mounted on any of his weapons -- if I were starting over I’d probably pick something cheaper.

Portable container

The right portable container is extremely versatile in an off-grid scenario. You can carry water on your person in an evacuation, use it to boil water and cook, or use it for washing up.

Temu: Any off-brand single-walled stainless steel water bottle will do the trick, here. It’s important that it be single-walled, though. If it’s insulated, you won’t be able to boil water in it.

Gucci: Like the headlamp, this is one of those cases where the fancy pick is not much more than the cheap one. In this case, it’s a Kleen Kanteen 40oz water bottle. I have these in all my bug-out bags.

Comms

Every survival guide is going to recommend a radio of some sort, with NOAA weather and various other features. Radios are important, because you have to know what’s going on in the world -- like if you’re ever going to get power again, or if there’s a distant safe zone you can journey to but probably it’s a trap and they just want to lure you in and enslave you or eat you.

I’ll make my radio recs, but first I want to warn you off two things:

• Avoid hand-crank radios. These things are usually junk. I’ve never had one last very long.

• Avoid anything but AA power. You want all your gear to run the same batteries, preferably AA, so that you only need to stock one battery type. So do not get some radio that takes D batteries or some other boutique size.

Temu: Baofeng UV-5R is the prepper standard-issue radio. It’s to the point where if you just mention that you even know what a Baofeng is, it’s like a secret code word and any prepper in earshot will go “ah, they’re one of us.”

I have one or two of these, and I gotta tell you I don’t have a clue how to work it. If the SHTF, I’m gonna be starving and stressed and yelling at my family to shut up and leave me alone while I squint at the little paper manual and try to figure out how to dial it in. I’d tell you not to be like me, and to at least watch a YouTube on it, but you’re not going to do that. You’ll just buy this thing and stick it in a box or a pack somewhere, just like I did.

Gucci: In addition to the Baofeng, I also have the C. Crane CC Skywave SSB radio. This is a lot more expensive, and it’s also a lot more durable. It’s basically a quality piece of gear. I don’t know how to work this thing, either. I hope that when the time comes, I can figure it out. How hard can it be?

Cover

I kinda think this should be higher on the list, it’s so essential. The items in this section can preserve essential body heat, provide enough comfort for you to get a good rest, be used to make a stretcher, can act as a shelter from the elements, or can catch rainwater. The one thing keeping it lower on the list is that it’s likely you can scavenge something that’ll do the trick in this regard without stocking up beforehand. Still, I’d stock up.

Temu: I buy the heck out of these Husky contractor bags at Home Depot, because I have to take my trash to the road in them and also because they’re just super useful. In a grid down, you could make a bed by filling one or two of them, or convert one into a poncho, or catch rainwater, or make a shelter… So many uses. And they’re super thick and tough. Everyone should have a roll of these around. (I have like ten rolls of them.)

Gucci: It has been five years since I went down a survival tarp rabbit hole (God, I repent of the weeks I spent obsessing over tarps… gahh I wish I had learned a useless language, or taken up the banjo, or literally anything else), but my guess is that the one I picked back then is still pretty great. Really all you need is nylon and good stitching.

Cordage

Now we’re getting into the real survival nerd part of the guide. Cordage is essential if you’re trying to stay alive in the woods, but if you’re not in the woods then there are surely miles of USB cables and other random things you can use in a pinch if you need to rig up a shelter or lash one thing to another thing.

Temu: I spent so much time testing paracord, but honestly I just reach for this same roll of cheapie Paracord Planet stuff whenever I actually need paracord. It’s fine.

Gucci: Look for any kind of milspec 550 paracord that’s all-nylon. There’s a greater than 50% chance that, whatever it is, you got ripped off because it’s actually polyester. If you have some muratic acid you can test this (google it). But if you can get your hands on real nylon paracord, that’s what you want.

There are some survival paracord options that have fishing wire and flax for fire starting and other such things woven into them, but I’d avoid those. In my (extensive) experience, those specialty inner threads abrade on the outer shell and wear through, and weaken the whole cord under any amount of use. Such cord is better in theory than it is in practice, so just skip it.

Knives, axes, and other gear

This is usually the fun part of any prepper guide, but it’s also the most overrated and least important. Les Stroud did all his surviving in the woods with just a Leatherman Wave. You can buy all this stuff, but you’re just going to carry it around on you while reaching for your multi-tool 99% of the time.

But I know how people are. Everybody wants a survival knife, or a hatchet. It’s part of the lore since time immemorial. And I get it, because as a child of the Rambo era I’ve been obsessed with survival knives my entire life.

Anyway, I’m just going to stick to Temu in this section, unless people reply that they REALLY want my Gucci recs. My main Gucci rec is that if you spend over $100 on something from an established brand, you’re going to get something totally amazing. And if you get one of my Temu recs, you’re going to get something that is way better than I’d have paid over $100 for in the 80’s or 90’s.

Knife: The modern-day Bass Pro blister pack knives, like the Schrade SCHF59 are so freaking good now. Yeah these are all made in China, but Chinese cutlery is currently what Japanese cutlery was in the early 2000’s, i.e. on its way up. You can beat the heck out of these and they’ll take it. So the lamest-looking, most LARPy zombie blade in the outdoors section of Walmart is actually good to go.

Hatchet: The Fiskars X7 is a plastic fantastic hatchet made of mystery meat Chinesium, and it is a favorite of all preppers everywhere for its light weight and durability. Over 12,000 Amazon reviews and it’s five solid stars. Some dude famously won one of these “alone in the woods” survival TV show contests with this hatchet as his main cutting tool. This tool also comes in different sizes, so you can go bigger if you want to.

Bolt cutters: In a real disaster, you are probably going to need to get into things that are locked. Pick up some bolt cutters at the hardware store and have them around.

Crowbar: Same rationale as the bolt cutters. Access is key.

Packs: Whatever polyester backpack you already have is fine, if you like it. Don’t go out and buy some high-dollar tactical pack that’s going to live in your closet and rot. Just plan to use what you already have.

Medical kit: You probably already have enough of this stuff in your house or apartment, but if you don’t then any one of these Amazon first-aid kits will be ok. My bros will be mad because I’m not recommending a tourniquet, but if you were the kind of person who would actually learn to use one of these then you already know you need one.

Watch: Are you kidding me with this just buy a Casio, guy

Weapons

Yeah I’m not gonna go there this time. I definitely could, but I’m not getting into the “best guns for SHTF” debate anymore, mainly because I got bored of it a long time ago and my knowledge is out of date.

That said, here are a few general pointers, in no particular order

• You probably do need something in this category. I see these hippie threads where they’re talking up compound bows or baseball bats or “perimeter” defense, and I laugh. These people’s organic gardens will make a good source of food for whoever actually survives a grid-down.

• If you buy a long gun (either shotgun or rifle), get a sling and a weapon-mounted light. These items are not optional add-ons -- they’re part of the weapon system. If you don’t have a light and a sling, then you don’t have a complete weapon. If you already bought a long gun and you’re missing one of these items, then you have some shopping to do.

• If you buy a rifle, add a modern optic (red dot or holographic) to the “essential part of the weapon system” list.

• You absolutely must train with whatever you get. I’m not even telling you this so you can avoid being a loot drop -- I’m saying it so you can avoid injuring yourself or someone else. You need to know the rules and absorb the culture around these weapons if you’re going to own one. If you’re not gonna train, then plan to hook up with someone who did train.

• Don’t buy a weapon with some plan to display it menacingly but not actually fire it in anger. See my above comments on hippies.

Conclusion

Ok wow. I was actually going to write even more, but I got bored of this entire topic yet again when I got to the cordage section and could barely finish it.

Ultimately, doomsday is boring and stupid. Don’t fall for the idea that you’re gonna somehow rise above the ashes and make something of yourself if it all goes pear-shaped and you’re one of the lone survivors. If you can’t find success and happiness when civilization is firing on all cylinders, then you are definitely going to be an even bigger loser if you’re basically like you are now but also hungry, scared, confused, and without access to your drug of choice.

So do yourself and everyone around you a favor, and don't be a doomer. Sure, have a backup plan, but that backup plan should be a distant Plan C or D that you only cultivate reluctantly. If you made it all the way through this list and checked out and got that tracking number, then stop here and go no further. You'll be fine.